To my love

When I was little, my biggest fear was being misunderstood.

This was so because people barely hear my words. Everyone seems to hear something totally different from what I literally say, and for my actions that aren't even words, it was worse. So, I associate with caution, fearing being misunderstood. Still, you were the only one who never misunderstood me.

At the stage of being a teenager and an adult, my biggest fear became about people leaving... So I hated goodbyes.

This was because my mum left us and till date, I haven't seen her. Later, I lost two of my closest friends that I loved so much and was never able to tell them I loved their smiles, their loyalty and love for me. And I also was not able to say goodbye. Hence, I hate goodbyes. It's been years I lost them, but it is still fresh like yesterday, when Chinanza's sister informed me that Chinanza would no longer be coming to school because she was dead, and when I was informed that Maibasira Fatima, who sent a WhatsApp status by 9am of her dancing, was buried that very day between 5–6pm... being a Muslim and knowing that I would never hear her voice or see her again.

In all of this, you never used the word goodbye nor its equivalent, because you understand the pains it reminds me of. To many, I am happy and without pains, always using the laugh-out-loud emojis, but only you know deep down, I mourn those I want so bad to hold on to but had to let go of without letting go.

As an adult, I hate not doing enough for me to earn that peace, comfort and home I truly desire. We were taught that the system is to work hard and for each effort, we will earn our keep and for the diligent saver, a few years is enough to live large, comfortable, acceptable, peaceful and homely. But then, I discovered it is not true. The tilling ground is not balanced at all. While all are labourers, some own the land and labour through others, some have servants who earn for them, others earn servants from looks and personal advantages, and as for me, I am at the lowest with no advantage. Toiling more and breaking in youth my bones that ought to break in death at all age. Despite being more intelligent than the average, I seem to toil the hardest with just a little to save. In all of this, you gave me peace, home, comfort and a life without regret.

Dear twin Ebenezer and Myself, thank you for being there always and being everything I ever wanted.

Father, you brought Paul in to teach me that saying goodbyes is not so bad and painful, and that people don't have to reciprocate their love to respect and protect you. Thank you for showing me warmth through humans, and thank you for healing me so I can be a healed person for others You bring to my life.

I pray Paul finds peace and resilience to be who he will be, and may he always be blessed.

Dear Human, you are too loved to count wrongs and pains. You are blessed, fulfilled and protected. Live well.