I wish i never said goodbye, now i cant remember your smiles.

I wish I never said good bye.
I wish you had told me, then I would have made a great memory that day.
I would have laminated the sands you stepped on.
I wish I was strong enough to make you smile openly, and then use my hands to trace every sketch or shape of your face so i would not forget.

I wish I had a picture of your smiles, I wish I was your adopted sister, then I would be in the same house with you, and would not have said good bye...

I and chinansa were friends in high school.My wonderful friend chinansa is now dead for 9 years since SS2. I really do always miss her. This our story...

Chinansa was the first child of Mr. And Mrs chibuso. She was the first child of three(Chinansa, Chinenye and Chigozie).Chinansa and Chinenye attended the same high school as me; but Chinansa was in thesame class with me.
Chinansa is a 5" 8 tall, chocolate coloured girl. She has creamy a pair of hazel colored, dull looking eyes. She is often seen walking alone; unlike her Charismatic, loud, active, more pretty and very expressive sister Chinenye.

Chinansa my friend rarely smiles. I think she is always thinking and still manages to pay attention at thesame time. She was to me, like an elder sister I did not have around.
I regret the fact that i had never told her how much I valued her smiles. Those rare moments she smiled as a result of my mischievious acts. The reason i was mischievious to her alone, was because I understood,and loved the her smiles, and only when I am mischievous will I see them, so, I keep them coming. Everyone saw my Act as an opened exploitation of her kindness.

Whenever I needed a books to write on, I will eatup the money my dad gave me for the books, and then go to her locker, search for a new note book or any one with less things written in less pages and tear the pages with them. I will keep back in her locker those torn out pages that had things written on them and go my way.

Many Students, who witnesses my actions, especially those whose locker is adjacent to her's, they would immediately run and to tell her, thinking she would pick a fight or even scold me. 

I will both boastfully and fearfully walk secretly behind the student, with a desire to see chinansa's expressions. 

Of course, she would often smile and tell the student that she already knew what I was capable of doing and thank them. Of course they always leave dissapointed with her reactions. You know, its as if she acts like this wiser adult that knows that my actions are all of love, and if not, it is better helped by love and gentle words(reason why I love her and love reading her mind through her physical expressions. In fact, it seems even louder than normal sound of speech.

 Later, Chinansa would take me to the school's canteen and ask me to pick anything of my choice, and pay for me. After allowing me to eat up, she would then say "Gracey, you know i always have new notes, so instead of stealing them from me; ask me, and I will give them to you( I do not know why she likes telling me this same thing when she knows I would still continue stealing it, just to make her smile).

And I would be like, "where will the fun be, if it comes so easy" and then, run behind her, tickling her. The truth is, that I really could not stop, because it seems to be the only way I got to see my humble and selfless friend smile. I mean, there was always this feeling of fulfilment I get seeing her smile as a result of my actions. This was because I was too proud to make her smile openly, so I do it secretly so as to enjoy her smiles alone but, I never knew I would not have said good bye that day.
      Before the last break, I came early to the assembly. I match her foot, and told her that her skin was so dark that it had changed the creamy uniform she wore to plain black. I think She got angry, which go me sad and had to apologize. I continued begging, only to notice she was  smiling. I both relieved and fulfilled.
At the Assembly ground, Our report cards were shared, and we all dispersed for pour various homes for the holiday. Before leaving and saying goodbye to her that day, I told her to buy enough books for me to steal the next term. The holiday finished, and we resumed the new term. 

 I was surprised to  see only Chinenye in school. So, I asked her about Chinansa. Chinenye told me that Chinansa screamed one afternoon and died, and that she had been buried. I ignored her, since I could not believe that Chinansa would die just like that.

So, Went to Chinansa's locker, stole one of her books, and expected her to take me to cafe , buy me food and tell me to stop stealing. She did not come and  I waited for two to three days. Indeed,  it dawned on me that I no longer had a friend. I no longer have Chinansa again. It dawned on me That, the smile I last saw, was the last of chinansa's I would ever see.
That I would not be loved by Chinansa again.
That no body will buy me food and scold me.
That I can no longer steal anybody's book and expect them to smile like her again.
Right now, I can't even remember how her smile looks like. One thing is sure, and I know even in my spirit, that it the best things I looked forward to seeing and feeling is her picture in my mind and how she made me feel.
Some times, I feel her presence in my heart.

Chinansa, I never told you that: 
I really loved you. Sincerely, i still do love you.
Then, i somuch wished your parents would adopt me, so I would officially be your sister. All so that I would not have to tell you goodbye after the close of the day.
I wish I was there when you passed on, so I would hear you tell me that I was a stubborn sister and you still loved me.
You showed me how much you loved me, but I never get to hear you say it.
Sleep well my friend, if you were righteous enough to make heaven, I will meet you but if not, I hope you did.